Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
