Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
