i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
