Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
