glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
