I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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