The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
