Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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