In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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