I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
