hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
