I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
