he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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