I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
