Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
