Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
