my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize