i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
