Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
