In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
