you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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