**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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