It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She told me I should be a condom model.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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