you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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