I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you had me at cake vodka
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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