i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
