meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
