My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
