Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
