Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
