I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
