I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
