she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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