I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
