Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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