A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
