I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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