I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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