I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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