Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
