made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
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I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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