Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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