Can i not drive my cunt home
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
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She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
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It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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