So drunk its hurt
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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