I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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