I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.