just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
