Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"