What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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