so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
