i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
