dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
