I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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