I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
