oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
All I want is dick and wine.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
