you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
