I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
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His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
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she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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