did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
