Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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