Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
