nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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