omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
