So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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