somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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