perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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